Monday, December 20, 2010

Focus

Its weird. New ways of looking at everything keep coming to me.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes my faith in that fades for a while, but I always come back to it.

All my life I have always been a giver. More concerned with being there for the people I cared about than doing the best for myself. In so many ways I held myself back, still holding myself back. Ive always spent my time and effort on other people, and then sit and wonder why things are so shitty for me. Not to blame anyone but myself here, I chose to focus my energy where I did. But it isn't healthy, and I realize that now.

I have lost alot of people that I cared deeply for in the last few years. I find myself feeling so alone. I've always hated being alone, ever since I was little. Hell, I don't even like waiting in line or going shopping by myself. So this is very hard for me to come to terms with, and I've been trying to come up with reasons this can be a positive thing.

I can't focus on understanding myself, or developing a happy life, if I'm pouring everything I can into others. What if everyone is gone so that now I have nothing to do but focus on me. To understand me and work on fixing the parts that need fixing. Focusing on what actually makes ME happy in life, and maybe I'll actually go to school, or get a job doing what I love. As shitty as it is to be alone, I think I needed it.

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