Alone

For the first time in a long time
I feel naked and alone.
Like if I reached out for any reason
no one would be there.

Which is ridiculous
because I did that exact thing yesterday.
And someone came to my rescue.

But in my mind
In this room
When I wake up
When I get off work
When my mind stops running for just a second,
I realize
I'm alone.

I don't feel like a person with a soul and a future.
I feel like flesh and bones in a dimly lit basement
just wishing there was someone around.

I wish I knew what changed.

Amazingly Comfortable

I've been trying to contain my excitement for days now.
I will be moving on Sunday. Moving into a place that is beautiful, and everything I could want. A place that I can be honest about all aspects of my personality and habits I've developed over the years. A place where I can be myself. I will have my own space to do what I want with. I haven't had that in a long time, and its ... great. I'm excited the most about my bed. I am having a king waterbed mattress shipped here right now, and by next weekend I should have the most amazingly comfortable bed EVAR. My room will be so awesome I'll never want to leave it LOL.
Anyways, that's what I've been dwelling on recently, and I wanted to share it. :)

Moving forward

I have really amazing people in my life that I am happy to be able to call friends.
In the midst of the craziest and possibly most depressing time in my life, they were there for me.
I appreciate the opportunity they have given me to get back on my feet, and move forward with my life.
I have found a place that I will be moving into soon.
Although I've been in this exact same position before, its not bad.
It's a good thing. Its exciting and empowering.
As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever felt the way I do before.
I actually feel like I can do things. I feel like all of my dreams are a reality.
I'm moving forward one step at a time.

Fireworks

My brain is twisted in knots
Cutting off circulation here
Too much pressure there

They're exploding
One by one
Like fireworks.

If you took the time
To look into my eyes
You'd see it.

Careful though
It's quite contageous.

Quest Physics

"The Physics of the Quest."
If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
-Eat Pray Love

 

Who do you think you are?

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Christina Perri 

Jar of Hearts

Focus

Its weird. New ways of looking at everything keep coming to me.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes my faith in that fades for a while, but I always come back to it.

All my life I have always been a giver. More concerned with being there for the people I cared about than doing the best for myself. In so many ways I held myself back, still holding myself back. Ive always spent my time and effort on other people, and then sit and wonder why things are so shitty for me. Not to blame anyone but myself here, I chose to focus my energy where I did. But it isn't healthy, and I realize that now.

I have lost alot of people that I cared deeply for in the last few years. I find myself feeling so alone. I've always hated being alone, ever since I was little. Hell, I don't even like waiting in line or going shopping by myself. So this is very hard for me to come to terms with, and I've been trying to come up with reasons this can be a positive thing.

I can't focus on understanding myself, or developing a happy life, if I'm pouring everything I can into others. What if everyone is gone so that now I have nothing to do but focus on me. To understand me and work on fixing the parts that need fixing. Focusing on what actually makes ME happy in life, and maybe I'll actually go to school, or get a job doing what I love. As shitty as it is to be alone, I think I needed it.