I'll keep your memory vague

It sucks when people that used to be there for you, aren't anymore. People you thought had your back, don't.

It's just another reminder of how I shouldn't hold out hope that you'd come through in a pinch if I needed you. It hurts that I've lost my best friend. I feel some connection like we're family. And yet to you, I'm nothing. It boggles my mind to know end. Because now more then ever I understand what you meant when you said, you wanted me in your life, no matter what position I held, you just wanted me around.

I miss YOU, not us. And this whole thing fuckin sucks.

Right now I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm angry. But at some point, I'm gonna come around. I'm gonna finally get that there's no place for me in your life and so I'll stop trying. And when that happens, you'll become a vague memory. And that's where you'll stay.

Unexpected Roadblocks

This is all so different
I should have known it wasn't over
Nothing ever is.

I thought I was over you. I thought everything was moving forward, slowly but surely moving.
But as usual the shit that's more than skin deep is still caught up.
Not like I wanna rewind or something. The opposite. I just want to be free of you.
But part of me wants to know if it hurts you like it hurts me sometimes. I wanna know if it was real or if it was just a pretty picture I painted for years.
One step at a time. It'll get better. There's no easy fix. For years you were mine. Now to think of anyone else taking that place... Its hard to wrap my head around. Its hard to accept.
Life goes on. And I hope sooner than later you won't be on my mind when I don't want you to be.

I want to be free.
Free of the flashbacks at inconvenient times.
Free of waking up alone and  being a little sad.
Free of second guessing my moves.
Free of the what once was, and make something new.
Free of you being my one and only.

Its hard to undo it when you let someone so far under your skin.

Alone

For the first time in a long time
I feel naked and alone.
Like if I reached out for any reason
no one would be there.

Which is ridiculous
because I did that exact thing yesterday.
And someone came to my rescue.

But in my mind
In this room
When I wake up
When I get off work
When my mind stops running for just a second,
I realize
I'm alone.

I don't feel like a person with a soul and a future.
I feel like flesh and bones in a dimly lit basement
just wishing there was someone around.

I wish I knew what changed.

Amazingly Comfortable

I've been trying to contain my excitement for days now.
I will be moving on Sunday. Moving into a place that is beautiful, and everything I could want. A place that I can be honest about all aspects of my personality and habits I've developed over the years. A place where I can be myself. I will have my own space to do what I want with. I haven't had that in a long time, and its ... great. I'm excited the most about my bed. I am having a king waterbed mattress shipped here right now, and by next weekend I should have the most amazingly comfortable bed EVAR. My room will be so awesome I'll never want to leave it LOL.
Anyways, that's what I've been dwelling on recently, and I wanted to share it. :)

Moving forward

I have really amazing people in my life that I am happy to be able to call friends.
In the midst of the craziest and possibly most depressing time in my life, they were there for me.
I appreciate the opportunity they have given me to get back on my feet, and move forward with my life.
I have found a place that I will be moving into soon.
Although I've been in this exact same position before, its not bad.
It's a good thing. Its exciting and empowering.
As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever felt the way I do before.
I actually feel like I can do things. I feel like all of my dreams are a reality.
I'm moving forward one step at a time.

Fireworks

My brain is twisted in knots
Cutting off circulation here
Too much pressure there

They're exploding
One by one
Like fireworks.

If you took the time
To look into my eyes
You'd see it.

Careful though
It's quite contageous.

Quest Physics

"The Physics of the Quest."
If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
-Eat Pray Love